CRACK AT THE BOX

CRACK AT THE BOX
Damn! girl! get that shit under control!

This is a blog about my twice daily trip to and from work onboard Seattle Metro bus 358, the 358 is known as north Seattle's most nefarious bus run. When the coach leaves I will be blogging as fast as my thumbs can type... so hop onboard and enjoy a run. your comments and bus experiences will be appreciated and responded to.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Rumors of Citywide Bum Lice Outbreak have been confirmed...

With local businesses frequented by the vagrant element having been closed for de-lousing last night, I have uncovered a very important piece of information for local commuters. According to 'Habib' a 7-11 counter associate, the Health Department order a closure of his franchise along with the ajoining Jack n Box due to numerous complaints of louse infestation in the facilities restroom, but this blog has learned that this is part of a citywide crackdown on vagrant squalor and parasitic infestation. With this news its important for all daily commuters to choose your seat wisely on the bus, although Seattle Metro and Sound Transit are sure to fog there Coaches at the end of the day with delousing agents, this cannot guarantee that the random arachnid will not survive and attempt to hop a ride on your 'coach'. With a numerous sitings of scratchy bums the last few days, I surmise that Seattle's Homeless Population is in th midst of a Crab OutBreak, Travel via public transit at your own risk! I myself have been using alternate methods of transportation so as to not be put in the position to be at risk of invasion from arachnids. Stay Strong Seattle, Your City Leaders are efforting this problem with uptmost urgency, I have learned a commision has been formed in order to advise the mayor on the most expensive way to combat this outbreak of street lice.

Monday, July 26, 2010

we got some napalm on the treeline...

Or atleast that what it feels like on this coach, but atleast its an almost empty one except for the lesbians up front, and... ohh no... one of them is digging in her crotch like she needs the gold bond treatment! This I did not have to see... I'm going to excuse myself from the blogging and check out the fantasy squad. Will break in if anything of importance transpires, have a nice evening.

Simmering in Seattle

With the heat of summer upon us, Ramant acts of Vagrant Deviance can be expected at all times and in every situation, as its the last week of the month and July wellfare funds have long since been deleted, expect extreme panhandling in all locals... Onboard bus 44 we currently have this ugly ginger dude who could be the off-spring of Heat-Miser, serious... he has the look. With the 358 stop only moments away, I'm bracing myself for one hot motherfucking ride, gonna need the gold bond after this one! Please standbye..

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

this Bremelo looks like a man

And once I caught a glimpse of the face, the similiarity to Telly Savalas was striking and the nose says offensive lineman all over it. It was definately Beer-Sin when this one was conjoured.

BREMELO alert in shoreline

And upon arrival in Shoreline, near Goldies casino, the nasty of the nasty gets onboard, this gal needs to put some clothes on, no one wants to see her pimply-ass cleavage and her pimply ass butt-crack. I propose a Ban on all BREMELO ridership during peak hours throughout the year and I will suggest that this is an example for optimal Burka usage...

105th n Horora Ave N.

And there he is... Snow Suit, Is In The House! Sporting his tried n true summer gear, Steve is working his usual evening spot in front of the golf shop, shaking down the east bound traffic for some change. Today it looks as if he's rolled out a much bigger sign that appears to be hanging from his neck by a makeshift harness. Don't see any real action as we pass by, but one thing is certain.. that cat needs a makeover, maybe shave him up and outfit him with a all-terrain wheelchair or scooter or somethin. As the summer months are a down time of the year for Steve, I'm sure he yearns for the rain, sleet n snow of the winter, the sure bum sympathy card play.

Bus 358, northbound 7/21/2010 5:21PM

With the sweltering heat of the summering simmering the odors of bus passengers nationwide, I say... Don't let the asshole who stepped in dogshit on the bus. Reflecting on yesterday afternoons commute-I will say it was the most fucked up in terms of unyeilding oppresive heat that was tempered with the constant yapping from a pack of asian college students who just kept turning up the volume. But today, I fortunately am onboard with a much more cordial group of riders, and I plan on reporting in detail if we see snowsuit Steve in a few more blocks as we pass through 105th

VAGRANT TAMALE FEAST IN BALLARD

After having 4 Azteca Tamale Platters at the job site today, my boss suggested I take the left-over fixings and donate to our local bum population, I concured as this is becoming a most entertaining social experiment. We got Bill n Bob plus their bag of n old lady plowing through platter No. 2, Platter No. 1 was quickly spirited away to Home-Scratches couch under the Ballard bridge, and a food fight is near as the soggy leftovers diminish. I take no blame for the predicted.outbreak of Bum Bean Trots in the greater Ballard region tommorrow morning. All and All I feel that I have helped my fellow man with this festering salsa n sour cream feast, for these Bums... Christmas in July came a week early.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Having secured a seat far away from the plinko tournament

I'm electing for nap time...

A ching a chong aching ching chong chong

Its as if the entire student body of Shoreline CC college has boarded, and these fucking loud bitches are sitting all around me talking about what must be there last epic night working the plinko machines, and now there cellphones are going off in a cacaphony of bad kareoke music, and the fat one just can't stop laughing for some reason, maybe she's sitting on a hotdogg or something, but all I know is, that listening to this racket is sorta like listening to Jabba pass gas.

Northbound... bus 358, passing the sewer that is greenlake...

And we have our first batch of vagrant talent sitting in row 2 seats c and d. These two gave up hope years ago, their level of destitution is a negative × 100 of the trials that the likes of snowsuit steve faces eveytime the light changes. Ohh.. how sweet, we're getting a display of bum-loving, when they hit the sack it must be like a trip down the wet n wild into a mosquitos nest with a does off pig stye for good measure. Ohh, and here we go, the lift extravaganza begins at N 85th street with miss hop sing backing onboard, how many will it be today... I wonder?

Monday, July 19, 2010

ITS PAT!

And near the city limits, what can only be described a fat and younger version of SNL's Pat, lumbers aboard, are those breasts or man breastadges? And it speaks in one of the most craggy and out of tune voices, now Pat is striking up converstion with everybody who boards, this is hilarious just watching the expressions on these poor people who are being accosted n then interrogated by the she-he, and Pat gets off the bus at goldies casino in shoreline, and I do feel bad for everyone at 24hour fitness if that where its going... ohh no.. its heading down the ramp and into the gym! Some things are just wrong! And this type of behavior should be considered a felony.

SNOWSUIT STEVE SIGHTING, 105th n Horora Ave N.

With the gait of a polynesian fire walker, we see Steve get somebody's lunch trash thrown at him from the car, poor bastard is all sunburnt to his cowhide bone. But the rumors that Harborview cleaned him up and outfitted him with some summer gear.. are true, as he's sporting some mis-sized jeans that let his backside see the sun and a pretty snazzzy brown plaid button down shirt. And the poor guy just got someones rotten taco bell sack thrown in his face, guess I'm gonna have to make a courtesy stop in the near future and hook the Poor Bastard up with a gourmet meal from AMPM to lift his spirits.

Northbound, the dago express

Upon boarding a half full coach I realize this commute is doomed to spiral into a bad case of wheelchair beepers at any moment, it would be a miracle for this run to go through without event, several heavily laden heavyweights on scooters laden down with 15 bags worth of blue light special booty are forcasted when we pass K-MART and their is always the ever oppresive risk of a Stephen Hawking impersonator boarding and going into a digitalized tirade over the proper procedure for strapping in his ride... and I notice the local greenlake dojo's have some sort of street food deal goin down, they better keep it under wraps! Or every Scurvy Bob and Ballsack Bill will be signing up for some Kung Fu training, just for the free hotdogg...

With Metro Transit Policia tryin to shake me down this evenings commute begins

Ya, when the transit sheriff pulls in just looking to give a ticket to the good tax paying commuter such as myself for drinking a cold refreshment at the stop... I want to puke and tell the asshole to do his job and harass the fucking masturbating street deviant that rolls around town wasted at will. No harm no foul though as I ditched the Ice Cold Annhuaser Busch product with a smooth quickness, and onward we continue... The sun is out and I fear that the 358 run north may go bad, but as its the middle of the month-the standard street derelict is running out of money and will be focused on begging outside tonights Mariners game for 'some change' as he will work for beer!

the Racoons are in the chicken coop

The sounds of incessant methadoner chattering have disturbed what was otherwise a peaceful ride as the usual band of suspects have boarded and are holding their morning court, filled with ramblings of long since past heroics and stammerings about epic booze binges in the days before they lost their teeth... Time to take a nap

Monday Morning, July 19th

A cool n foggy morning leads to a prediction of an unrowdy commute with the bums in a semi-conciuos state, it is safe to use BUM-CON 3 rules of engagement during your moring commute.

Friday, July 16, 2010

at Transit Center

It was like the running of the wheelchairs tonight, one lift after another, so I took a frigging nap, This journey is. Nearly over, have a nice weekend...

Northbound bus 358

And I elected to get on the emptier of the two coaches that pulled up as I'm not particulary in the mood to sit in the funk of 40,000 losers, and the gay men runeth here next to Green Lake, the bunson burner is flaming hard. And...... we got a official crack-ho boarding at 80th North, this bag is twitching and fidgeting as if she's got ants in her pants. Maybe, you never know what these pimps are into these days.

Transients abound at the 358 stop

With the rank of dead and bloated baleen whale.... this stop is now officialy re-zoned to a bum restroom, there's a skinny ass skater bum kid playing limp dick banjo in the bushes that share time as his studio and his friends bathroom, definatly a high risk of an outbreak of dysentary at this stop on 45th n Horora Ave North.

Friday Evening Commute, somebody please bring the lysol

After yesterdays near miss with a shitty ride, suspicion is high that we have left the fabric of civilized soceity for the summer and have slipped into the abyss of the world of bumcraft. And onboard bus 44 we have an extremely inebriated fellow with his shorts down in back, the driver is calling it in, hopefully I make it to my stop before Metro Stormtroopers show up to remove this sorry sack of shit...

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Safely back to my little berg of edmonds

After that last foray into the trash of soceity, I'm pleased that my jedi sences were working just fine and I was able to extract myself from the very bowels off hell onboard that shitty bus before the nastiest of the nastiest funk was inhaled, and almost certainly we commuters will be without the presence of that shitty bum for some time as it appeared his funk is now the problem off the jailers at King County Jail. Well time to sign off, have a nice evening all.

Rolling up to SHORELINE, making good time

If we avoid any Hotdogg Mafia we should be to the transit center in 7 minutes, and then the Lynnwood element throws a kink into the operation with a caravan of shopping carts to add to the mix, and Beat-Up Benny looks as if the trenchcoat mafia worked him over for his food bank loot, poor bastard!

LORD! BUS SHITTER! ABANDON SHIP! all hands abandon ship

With a swarm of fruit flies onboard the sweltering 358 the culprit was apparent, and with the first wiff of a burning big-bite trot I was off that bus, ohh the horror for those poor people still onboard, and I'm getting on the next coach and I imagine we will stopping frequently to pick up the survivors of an 80degree bum bus shit on the previous bus, so I advise the driver of what went down and to pass that coach as soon as possible, then its time to bust out double WHEELCHAIR BEEPERS and I jump on the next empty coach behind to pass up the shitty bus and it appears Metro security is going onboard to haul off shitty-stan, yep! They got the extra long rubber gloves going on and SPD is rolling in as the horrified near vomit stage riders disembark in hopes of a breath of fresh air, that coach may need to go strait to the wrecking yard!

THE DEVIANCE CONTINUES.... on Bus 358 northbound 7-16-2010

Its apparent from my first glance at this crowd of burnt out puke-aholics that a EMERGENCY COMMUTER ALERT was warranted for this afternoons commute, so... baten down the hatches, grab your self defense items and charge the MACE! PLEASE DO NOT ADJUST YOUR BROWSER.................. THIS IS A BROADCAST OF THE SOUNDTRANSIT EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM........... PLEASE DO NOT ADJUST YOUR BROWSER....................... ALL COACHES AND BUSES IN THE GREATER WESTERN WASHINGTON REGION ARE AT HIGH RISK OF AND SUSCEPTIBLE TO ACTS OF RAMPANT BUM DEVIANCE, DEFECATIONS AND DISPLAYS OF PUBLIC DRUNKARDNESS OF THE MOST SHAMLESS KIND, UNSAVORY DISPLAYS OF TRANSIENT LOVE AND AFFECTION AMONGST THEMSELVES ARE ALSO TO BE EXPECTED, DERELICTS CAN BE EXPECTED AT ALL STOPS.... PLEASE DO NOT GIVE THESE DEADBEATS ANY CHANGE, ONE ACT OF MISGUIDED KINDNESS CAN LEAD TO YEARS OF FURTHER BUM ACCOSTATIONS. IT IS ADVISED TO SEEK ALTERNATE TRANSPORTATION HOME FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE WEEK, AS THE WORST IS NEAR... THE BUM DOGG DAYS OF SUMMER ARE BEGINNING, CARPOOLS ARE ADVISED, AND NEVER EVER FEEL SYMPATHY FOR THE CORNER BUM WHO CLAIMS HE WILL WORK FOR FOOD, IN THIS SITUATION IT IS ADVISED TO MAKE THE SUBJECT DANCE, FIGHT OR WASH YOUR CAR BEFORE YOU STIFF EM WITH THE 17 CENTS IN THE ASHTRAY... and through it all, remember... STAY CLASSY SEATTLE

Thursday July 16thThursday july

The Wackos are out on furlough today, onboard bus 44 we got a posse of real winners led by this toothless drunk bastard, jethro is passed out in the seat behind me and the third is a wasted indian gal who just dropped her Ice on the back stairs, Jethro dives to save the drink and this happy dumpling gang is off the bus, not a moment to soon...

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Morning Bumness at the transit center

With a mix of incestial Lynnwood strife and the prerequisite bus shelter campers I wait for bus 358 to roll up. Todays continued cooling trend has local transients in full retreat as the early summer high temperatures that brought the dirtiest of the dirty california deviant out of the shelters has failed to continue. So BUM-CON 3 has been set as most of the unruly will be back in the trenchcoats for the morning hours

Tuesday Morning Commute

With word that Balllard Bridge Bill is this years Hotdogg Derby winner we begin another day. Word has it that Bill outlasted all other deviants yesterday in the epic sword fight beneath the Horora Bridge Troll to win his second consecutive mustard mayor of the summer trophy.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Southbound, Bus 358

The zombie's have left the nest, as several confirmed veterans of zombieland are onboard and appear to be headed for a morning methadone fix at the Shoreline Distribution center. And we have a tweaker! She's grinding away on her broken down gumline, obviously nervous, not able to stay still, and panting about how cold it is on the bus. Typical for a Monday morning. And we have about 150 derelicts lined up at the meth-lab in Shoreline, the Zombie's bolt off the bus and the danger of bum deviance took a slight turn for the worse as several of the newly juiced up methadoners have boarded, moved to the back and proceeded to crack open what definatly smells like some malt liquor, St Ives maybe... Now we've been delayed by a wheelchair person who once again gots the strap jammed up in the wheels.

Monday 13 July Putrid Bum Schweat Edition

With the full summer rank of sunburnt bum, another week begins, several destitutes are currently onboard my local bus mounded up in heaps of their tinfoil n personal belongings. The air quality is foul as the stench of rotting flesh and the weekend wino mixer is evident aboard this coach. Its an ominous sign of things to come as the real heat of summer approaches. BUM DEVIANCE is expected to be extremely high this week, so brace yourselves for many days of foul odors, instances of bum defecations and drunken outbursts and the ever possible lingering rank of decomposing racoon.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

More WheelChair Beepers

And in the shoreline casino district the drunken wheelchair dude lifts of af and heads in to the pan table, good for him, probally get his disability check right from the cash machine inside, hope he hits it big so he can do some upgrades to his rollout. And we are entering the Shoreline Traffic Sphincter, fuck n ehh, we rolled strait through and Ohh My, a friend of the Blog is boarding at Fred Meyer, Its Our Infamous Hot Dogg Salesman........... So I ask him if he gots any doggs for sale today... and he starts whining about how they wouldn't give him the old dried out ones like they normally do... so I ponint out to him "Son, you need to know someone on the inside for the good free food option" he's like.... ya....with a intuitive look on his face, so I tell him to go get a job there and then you could be the Oscar Meyer of the Hotdogg Mafia,,, this gets fellow commuters chuckling. Then the kid starts whining about how he can't get a job because he's got no I.D. I'm like.. You mean you can't get ID because you got a warrant and he gets pissed, What ya gonnna do What ya gonna do.... and his humbled ass gets off the bus and my stop is coming up....

Passing out of Seattle City limits...

At 145th... the freckled lynnwood element aboard the bus gets an infusion of fat ginger dudes, all who are packing healthy cases of plumbers but, and these guys stink, really stink, like chicken manure or somethin, lord... let's get moving so we can blow this stench to the back. These guys have definatly taken the pants on the ground thing to far.

BEEPERS, WHEELCHAIR LIFT BEEPERS

And at 105th n Horora, mutiple lifts off wheelchair riders puts the shutdown on the quick commute, but atleast one of the guys is definatly operating his chair drunk, I say "good for him" unless he fucks up and holds up this show, But with all the lift beepingI think a bus lift wheelchair beepers rap needs to be written-this I will think on over the ensuing days...

And continuing through the Oaktree neighborhood...

I'm pleased to say that the coach is emptying out nicely and we are making good time, good for me but bad for the blog as my agitation level is subsiding, but as the viewer well knows... this can change in a heartbeat. Maybe well get to see snoesuit steve in a moment as we pass through 105th

Ohh Lord...

The Greenwood prom queen just got her 74inch waist stuck between the seats as she slogged her way up the aisle, and a quick prayer, "please lord don't let her pass gas", and the danger is over as the buses slowing momentum at the stop gave her just enough kinetic energy to push through the barrier. Amen!

NorthBound, Bus 358, July 7th

Why Are these guys not on their choppers? Ohh ya... there fucking destitutes masquerading as Harley Davidson owners, and I'm fortunate enough to have the pleasure of listening to their bong fueled illusions of granduer on this hot, shitty smellin n schweaty coach, and to the left we have the fat greenwood trailer trash chick talking about her dads rabits, Its a fucking trashy cattle-call in the back of this bus...

CRY HAVOC! AND LET SLIP THE BUMS OF SUMMER

With the onset of 90degree temperatures the BUM-CON Level has been set to BUMCON-1, Total Destitution is upon us tax paying citizens as rampant bum street defecations and masturbations are imminent. With the beaching of Wack-Off Willy at the pier 57 waterway, the Seattle WaterFront is officially at risk for massive Bum Infestation-travel through at your own risk. All commuters are to be advised of the risk of boarding a totally fucked coach ride at anytime, "I for one know this is about to be the case for me as I'm currently waiting for bus 358 with the usual gang of swamp-ass suspects who are swilling down the cheap vino as if it will re-hydrate them. Stay tuned for the evening bus blog...