THE BUM SUMMIT

The Location.. Ballard DSHS parking lot. The Situation.. roughly a 150 of Seattle's homeless elite have circled the shopping carts in a display of solidarity. Ohh look! some old friends of the show are here, its Tony n Bill (these two cruisers first made the original Baldwin Poolio Show on youtube back in 2000, interviewed on Occidental Ave as they were hocking kingdome rubble for beer money)I ask "hey whats up guys?" Tony's says "where's your video cam at man." Baldwin "In the shop, what you cats been up two" Bill says "Yo man, we just got back from shrooming on bainbridge island dude!" as he pulls a freezer bag of shrooms out of his pack, Tony "sell ya the whole bag for $120, its good shit man..." Baldwin "Sorry, dont do the shrooms, take that shit down to your spot on Occidental on monday before the M's game and make some cash..." Tony n Bill get into and argument about if they should do this. These two cats are like a couple of old women, there shoving each other off their curb, I've seen this show before so am heading over to mingle with the Bum Congress. And there he is.... Snowsuit Steve is here, I'm surprised he has left his prime location of 105th n HoRoRa wide open to the random bum squatter. Ballard Bridge Bill is holding court-hollering drunken epitaths about taxation without representation... Wait! and SPD cruiser just slowly rolled by as the 40's were lowered by all. O.K. the cops are gone. Bill hollers "see that, those r the assholes who want to take our livelyhood away" this blathering is followed by thunderous cheers, Bill continues with a tirade about throwing a Seattle Cardboard Party, I've learned that a 'CARDBOARD PARTY' is when every vagrant in a city commits to cramming every last piece of cardboard into city sewers and storm drains, the cardboard eventually decomposes into a sludge that sets up like cement-paralyzing a city's drainage leading to backed up shitters and flooded streets. And a bum argument erupts, it seems two local vagrants from the SoDo district are in a dispute over the prime panhandling territory in front of the new strip club by Safeco Field. Snowsuit Steve chimes in with an offer of giving up his territory for this location. And Dock Dago Don responds with "shut your pie hole FartSack!" this thing is starting to get hilarious.. ha ha ha. Now Ballard Bridge Bill is trying to maintain a semblance of order by crashing over a trash laden shopping cart in beer fueled fury and bellowing out "the state is trying to put us all out of business, do any of you want to have to get a real job... next they'll cut us all off of wellfare, its the yuppy millionaire behind all this... they dont like their children seeing the reality off life!" the bum collective listens carefully to Bill outline his plan for retaliation against harsh panhandling enforcement and higher beer taxes, and a consensus is reached! Seattle's Bum Congress wants this city to be labeled a Vagrant Haven, all relatives are to be called and invited to Seattle for the summer under promises of compassionate people who cant wait to open their wallets for someone down on their luck. All upscale pubs and internet cafe's are to be bummed with atleast three destitutes on the sidewalk out front during business hours and a massed bum-a-thon is ordered for the Mariners opening homestand to continue all summer. Local malls are to be aggresively shopping-carted while extra change is to be used for movie theater attendance-with the bum using the restroom as a shower stall. Bill later states... "if that Gregoire witch wants to push, we will push back". Ohh man! Snowsuit Steve gots his suit off and is crapping by a telephone pole, no more BBQ for this guy... Now this scraggly haired whore starts talking about how every tourist at the pike place market needs to be aggresively accosted all the time, lets hit the city where it hurts, by making it a miserable experience traveling to Seattle. the bumnation cheers to this and the beer spill over. Now more police cruisers have pulled in and their whaler goes off "please disperse, there is no permit for a demonstration at this location at this time" So the congress is over, I overhear Tony n Bill talk about goin over to Seven-11 and making a sandwich, I decide to tag along...